Who am I?
I’d like to say that I’m not really a label person, but I have identified myself as a Leo on every piece of writing I’ve put on this blog to date (v. Leo behavior, btw), so I guess I should label myself as a person who wishes they didn’t love labels. This is my favorite label to date.
I mentioned before that I had a difficult time finding reading material and resources for women who have started or are looking into starting a family without a partner. And, hey, I’m not saying it’s completely due to a lack of source material. There’s a very real possibility that I just wasn’t googling correctly. I mean, what the hell are women like us called?
The first term I found naming us was “shrewish ungodly man-haters.” Just kidding; that was like fourth on the list.
I believe the first bit of info I stumbled upon was an article referencing the support group Single Mothers by Choice, or SMC for quicksies. This is a large group with a private members-only forum for frank discussions and support amongst SMC in all stagings of motherhood.
Pretty soon after that I decided to give my library card a workout (shoutout Libby app!), and found the book Going Solo by Genevieve Roberts. This was a great find, but in her book she self-identified with a different term that was new to me: Solo Mom.
And then there’s people who simply say “single mom,” or others who prefer the term “choice mom.” No wonder my searches were somewhat fragmented! Tbf, I think I was probably watching Netflix in the background, so there’s a ding on my ability to research coherently, my b.
The West Wing reruns aside, I was finding it difficult to personally connect with these labels. I know! I love labels! But something about the ones I’d come across so far just weren’t buttering my bread.
A quick, but important aside: I’m about to give an opinion. I’m not justifying it or apologizing for it, because this is my space and you can kindly fuck off if you so choose. But I cannot stress enough that my opinion is in no way shape or form to be misconstrued as criticism of other women and their opinions. Period. It is also not an invitation for anyone else to express their judgment of the choices and opinions of other women. There is quite literally enough of that bullshit going on every day in every place on Earth, and I just won’t have it here. No mommy wars on my blog, dammit. Play nice or play in traffic. Ok, aside: asided.
So all of the terms I came across were totally valid and thought-out descriptions of a person becoming a mom without a partner, but each of them stuck in my craw in some way:
Single Mother by Choice
Beyond being a bit of a mouthful (SMC is helpful, but I’ll be ranting about abbreviations in another post), I was feeling resistance to the “by choice” part. I mean, I like the action-positive vibe, but, like...
This was *super* not my choice! I mean it is; I’m definitely choosing to have a kid on my own, and I’m ultimately pretty sure this is the right thing for me and my family, but calling it a choice? If I had a choice I would have been in a traditional mommy-daddy situation with a man that I was in love with and could trust to raise my kids with grace and joy.
I also would have chosen Leonardo DiCaprio. That’s my personal choice if we’re choosing choices, mmkay?
So “choice” wasn’t quite sitting right with me at the time. So why not take a look at my sisters who dropped that word and opted for:
Single Mom
This one feels off for me personally, because I think it downplays the often extremely difficult role of single moms who became single after their kids came into the world. They also may or may not have had a choice, but I think the women who never thought they might one day find themselves as an only parent are fighting some battles that I can’t even imagine. I’d hate to feel like I was appropriating their struggles and triumphs, so this one’s also not really for me.
Choice Mom
I’m sorry, but I thought this once and I can’t get it out of my head: it sounds like a cut of meat. USDA Choice Mom. I’m a monster, and I’m so so sorry. Next!
Solo Mom
Besides reminding me of the excellent documentary Free Solo, I was closest to feeling at home with this name. Beyond its helpful brevity, I also like that I could joke around and call myself a YOLO mom with my friends (who are extremely patient with me and my dumb jokes). But there was still something about this one that gave me pause. What was it?
Suddenly it occurred to me that the reason I couldn’t identify with these terms often used by women who are becoming moms alone, is because of one big fact: I don’t even remotely identify with the term “alone”.
“Solo” and “single” are defining me by my implied lack: chick who defies nature even though dudes don’t want to wife her up long term. And while that is... ya know, *technically* true, it’s not where I want my focus to be as I start this long and weird journey.
I want to turn and face what I’m moving towards, rather than walking backwards staring at what I’m leaving behind.
And I’m just plain factually NOT alone! I have amazing family and friends and colleagues and online groups and (hopefully soon) supportive medical staff to lean on when I’m getting weary. Hell, I think this kid is gonna have way more adults up in their business than they would if there were just me and a daddy. Sorry, bébé!
So after that revelation I decided that I didn’t need a label and I lived happily ever after as Mrs. DiCaprio, the end.
Le sigh... You’re probably not an idiot, and can clearly see the name of this blog is MonoMom. I can’t pull a fast one on you, dear reader. So how did I get here? From whence the MonoMom moniker?
Allow me to introduce you to my dear friend Thesaurus.com. I’d do adds for them, seriously. “Thesaurus.com: when you know what you want to say, but not the way you want to say it.” (TM: me)
So I hopped the ole internet monorail (do you see the foreshadowing I did there???) and started searching for a word that felt more in line with my situation. First I decided to go with the prevailing standard, and look up "solo." Here’s what we got:
JESUS. “Friendless”? “In solitary”? “Unmarried”??? Even Thesaurus.com has joined the shame parade about my personal life.
Ok, fine, let’s click through a few. How about “lone” as a next step?
Wow. WOOOOOOOOOWWWWW. “Foresaken” would absolutely be my favorite, if it weren’t for “onliest” which I am 99% sure isn’t even a fucking word.
Oh, but what’s that over there? Hidden way in the right hand side. Hello, “unique”! Why won’t the mean old other synonyms let you sit at their table? Is it because you might give someone the dangerous thought that self-identifying as solo might not be a terrible, shameful, un-American thing?
(Yes, I have fully embraced the personification of an entry in an online thesaurus; if this isn’t the content you’re here for, I suggest you talk your browser into taking you by the hand onto another site.)
Let’s give "unique" a clickety click:
Ok, now we’re talking! “Exclusive”, “rare”, “individual”; it’s starting to sound like guerrilla marketing for Snake Juice, and I LIKE IT.
Ok, see, this is what I’m talking about! Not focusing on being alone, because that implies lack and once again defines my state in relation to another; I want to focus on the non-emotional fact of my situation: oneness.
I mean, there are entire philosophical studies devoted to oneness as a freaking GOAL. So take that, you judgy-ass Thesaurus.com! (I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean it; let’s never fight again.)
So some time-lapse condensed searching later (I know you were THRILLED reading about the step-by-step googling I was doing, but my fingers are tired...), I ended up cheating on Thesaurus.com with her hot but sorta basic cousin, Dictionary.com, and VOILÀ!
Ok, ok! We’ve got a prefix... she’s hitting all the right notes with the “one” part, and.... Hold on, lemme zoom in here...
Close the polls, stop recounting the Georgia votes, we have a WINNER. “...to the point of dominance or exclusion” is the subtitle of my damn autobiography!
MonoMom. MonoMama. MonoMum if you’re nasty (or just English).
Ahhhh... my little label-dependent heart feels so full.
So, that’s how I got here! This is what feels right for me, and if it feels right for you, I say grab it and self-apply away! MonoMom may be technically about being in a unique situation, but I have a sense that our unique stories are what actually bring us closer together. That’s my working theory, anyway.
And, legend tells, if you say “MonoMom Blog Dot Com” three times into a mirror, you’ll summon the spirit of an insufferable Arrested Development obsessive who will lecture you on how I’m AKSHULLY just stealing a joke from the show.
So sue me, Mitch. (Jesus, please don’t; I’m an insufferable fan, too, I swear!)
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